The Learning Curve of Gratitude

I just heard Mary Chapin Carpenter's "This I Believe" essay on NPR.ORG. I sort of hate it when people who have better writing skills say it better than me, but her essay is beautifully written and spoken by her. I understand what she means when she speaks of "The Learning Curve of Gratitude." That learning curve can be experienced by those bearing witness to the struggles of their loved ones. I am still on the curve, not quite at ease with excepting the graciousness, kindness and help from other people. I AM learning though.



Some of the 200 plus riders that rallied for Mike January 29, 2006
(Photo taken by Jenna Tague)

Kerrville Folk Festival 2007

I just got back from the Kerrville Folk Festival. I had a great time. I saw many friends I usually see at Thanksgiving, but missed since I didn't go last year. I caught up with Chris Chandler who I went to college with, who was performing at the festival. Other highlights included: hanging out with Keith Grimwood for more than a few minutes after a Trout show; starting to learn how to spin Poi; hearing for the first time Kenny White and Jonathan Byrd; hearing Terri Hendrix again; drinking Fat Tire ale and getting some free swag from the New Belgium Brewing Company including a cool tire patch kit for my bike; watching Jenna play music with Ezra Idlet and Keith Grimwood.
Only one negative aspect this year: a bad rash that itched like mother f*cker.



The Asparagus back at home at Camp Asparagus, hanging out with Buddah and a Fat Tire



Jenna playing at a rest stop in the Hill Country of Texas



Chris Chandler at Threadgill Theatre, KFF 2007



Keith Grimwood and Chris Chandler at Camp Apsaragus



Down by the Medina River, Texas



Josh Sherman spinning Fire Poi



Fire Hoop spinning at a Poi exhibition, KFF 2007



Josh Cabrerra spinning at the exhibition, KFF 2007



A very friendly kitty visited Camp Asparagus



Terri Hendrix and company, KFF 2007


Jenna with Terri Hendrix



Trout Fishing in America with bubbles, KFF 2007
(It was a storm, not the banjo, that chased away the audience shortly after this picture was taken!)


Jenna and Myself in the crowd to see Trout



Sandy found a scorpion in her tent!


P.S. I forgot one of my biggest highlights of Kerrville!!!! (How could I?) My good friend from college, ND Ton-o-thorns, came to see Trout on Sunday, but the storm blew away the show. We met in SA and had dinner. Then ND gave up his bed to two Kerr-fried campers (Jenna and me) What would I have done without him?

ND Ton-o-thorns

Road map of my possible future self

Every once in a while I get a glimpse of what my life could look like in the future. That glimpse is often laid out like a map that shows possible routes I could take, but doesn’t necessarily tell me where the dead end roads are.

I reflected on my childbearing years today. They are drawing to a close fairly soon, and I hold no prospects for a father, or even for a future with children. I am considering going back to school next year, or the following. Having a baby now would make that difficult, if not impossible. I have no idea how I would do it. I could finish school in a few years, two or three maybe, then be out of time (though these days it is easier for older women to have babies.) I would want to be home for a while with a newborn, but that could curtail a new career.

Today, I lack a father for my possible future child, and that’s an important element. When people ask me if I have kids I tell them, “No, I haven’t found the right father.” I had considered having a child on my own, but thought better of it, feeling a variety of reasons, but one being that I would need help, and a child needs a father. (or father figure) Two parents are better than one. I don’t want to step too much in the subject of same sex partnerships in this entry, but I respect my friends who are parents no matter what their family situation is. In my world, I would want the father to be a present force and influence.

And what if I fall for a guy who doesn’t want kids, but I feel so connected to him that it seems to make not having a kid OK? Maybe he would already have children by another marriage and not be interested in having more. I can understand that. My brother Mike and I had talks about that. His fiancé wanted kids, and on one hand Mike was kind of interested, but on the other, he wasn’t interested in going through all of the responsibility again; supporting another kid for another 18 years.

When I think about the idea of not having children I am saddened. My life has taken me to places of immense beauty and love, as well as desperate fear and loss. I feel I may have already lost my child I never had.

The map I glimpsed today showed my possible routes without children. I am not sure I want to turn down those roads yet, though those roads may lead me to places where there is light and love, unconditional, like a child’s love, or a mother’s love for her child.


My youngest best friend Kaia

25 Years Ago

It was Thursday May 20, 1982 when my big sister drove her 1963 multicolored spray painted Volkswagon Van off to a rehearsal with the Young Salem Symphony. She never made it to rehearsal. She was crashed into by a guy who thought it was a good idea to get drunk in the afternoon and then try to drive home. The pain of that day has dulled, but I still miss Kate.

Do your family and me a favor. Dont drink and drive. And wear your seatbelt. If Kate's seatbelt had been functional, she may still be with us today, and I would be writing about something else.


Photo by Vonnie Hicks

Cracked Up

I've been working for the Florida Grand Opera for the last couple of months. While I have been there, I have been privileged to make two exceptional new friends, Juan Carlos and Landa. They have made me feel welcome and comfortable there. Today they had me laughing so much, for so long, I had to leave to cry a little. I haven't laughed like that in a very long time. What a release. I came back after my cry and kissed them both on the cheek and thanked them for being blessings in my life. I have learned not to take those beautiful connections for granted.

"your friends confine you in their worlds
one by one, a string of pearls
confused you say
this isn't me
you hover in their unity
ashamed you slowly lose your grasp
release the links, undo the clasp
the skin that drips down off the tree
or peels back slowly from your knee
erupts into your lung and heart
you laugh and laughing fall apart."
--Phish


Juan Carlos, Myself, Landa (and Aniela goofing in the back!)

Don't Postpone Joy

Don’t Postpone Joy. That’s what is on a button I found last year at Kerrville Folk Festival I have tried to take those words to heart and experience joy. I have found it in bits and pieces and lately the chunks are getting bigger. That is a blessing I praise and count daily. I have been experiencing new friendship and lovely energy from members of the opposite sex. (that’s been typically frustrating, but fun at the same time, and since I have been so overwhelmed by grief and anxiety for the last year I haven’t given myself permission to feel those kinds of joys until now) This new found joy is being over shadowed somewhat by news from Mom. She has started chemo again. The fear started to dribble in. What if she gets an infection? What if her body rejects the drugs? Is it worth the possible extra time? I remind myself that it’s out of my hands, and that my joys are important. And I suppose even more important than my grief.

Character and Cancer

"With the modern diseases (once TB, now cancer), the romantic idea that the disease expresses the character is invariably extended to assert that the character causes the disease – because it has not expressed itself. Passion moves inward, striking and blighting the deepest cellular recesses." Susan Sontag

The Firm Grip of Love's Hand

A friend was telling me of his troubles the other day and expressed a sense of the energy in his life being like cancer. Then he immediately appologized for using a cancer analogy with me. I wasn't sore at him in the least, though I am surrounded, it seems, by cancer, cancer patients and cancer survivors.

My experience with cancer has been painful. I am not the patient, or survivor. I am one of the family of the patient; in this particular case, patients. My brother died from cancer, and my mother is sick with cancer, and will not likely get better. I have friends who are treating cancer and friends who are getting regular check ups to make sure they haven't relapsed into cancer after being cancer free. Cancer affects the entire family as well as the patient. The family is at a total loss as to what to do, how to act and what support to give. After a while, things find some realm of normalcy and we get through each day, appreciating our breathing and the new day rising on our loved ones faces.

At some point I found a place where I understood unconditional love and felt it with all my being. After finding that love, I can go back to it when I miss my brother, witness the essence of love and make it through the next day without him. This gives me inspiration to try to help other families in some small way. Even by my writing this, I may help others to see that through the pain we can find a place of love and rest in our spirits.



“There is a moment in time
When the knowledge of love and the experience of love
Precariously meet to form one brilliant point of rest for the soul.
From this point every direction is the same, backwards…forwards
All indelibly marked by the peace that comes, when it is finally understood,
That nothing can shake you from the firm grip of love’s hand.”

--Margaret Becker

sleep deprived thoughts...

As I slip further into sleep deprivation, some things concerning the human condition of the heart become clearer. Or maybe it is that they become so much more confused that I have a totally different perspective and understanding of the energies that exchange between the opposite sexes. I often find myself thinking someone feels one way about me, then discover it is actually totally different. I have spent so much time in celibacy between adventures of the heart that it is hard to tell when another journey is on the way. I ponder the small signs and symbols, keeping in mind the sociological and instinctive precursors to the mating ritual: a catch and hold of the eye, a soft touch as one passes by, questions and answers that keep coming. I am afraid it could all be just one worker getting to know another, just happening to be spending more time together as the projects require, instead of the new adventure I could be looking for.

one year ago

One year ago, Mike left us for points unknown. Maybe it was heaven, maybe it was for another life, on another planet. I don't know. He crossed that bridge into the unknown; into the beloved. It feels like it was just last week, but as Jenna says we know it's been a year because we've counted the days.
Jenna left some flowers and street chalk at the bike racks this morning, leaving a written message too. Someone had thrown the flowers away by the time I got there, but they were found in the trash and replaced. Eventually they were added to.
We had a lovely gathering tonight at Trip and Jane's. People gathered to eat, drink and celebrate Mike's life with us. It is nice to know that Jenna and I still have the support of those friends of Mike's that came to help us last year. Whenever I think I don't have friends in Florida, I am reminded that Mike's friends are my friends too. And good people they are. We are blessed.