Above all, Practice Being Loyal to Your Soul

“Above all, practice being loyal to your soul.” This is a meme that came floating across my Facebook timeline today.  It has a great message, but what if being loyal to your soul is in conflict with someone else being loyal to theirs?  It is not obvious, because there is so much focus in being loyal to one’s own soul and the idea of what is right and perfect in the here and now is subjective and you cannot see where the conflict lies.  But if there is conflict in the relationship, it will not work.  There lies the heaviness.  You get all psyched that this other person might just be “the one,” or at least a good distraction until “the one” shows up. Then as you are listening to your soul, they are listening to theirs and the whole thing comes apart when they reach a different conclusion about the whole thing.

He had said, from the beginning, that he was not ready, so I am not surprised to be disconnected, even after a couple of months of groovy mixed signals and pleasant lunches.  Even though I knew it wouldn’t be what I wanted it to be, I am sure somewhere I hoped some magical process would change it. 

I wish I could be the calm, Zen, be here now, understanding person all the time.  I hate being the emotional, reactionary girl I can be when it comes to matters of the heart.  But after a good cry I have come to the conclusion that he is only being true to his own soul and following up on what he needs to grow and heal.  This is very important and I do not deny it is a good thing.  In being true to his own soul he has ultimately enabled me to be true to my own.  I had spent some time finding ways to justify being physical without exclusivity and commitment.  In some ways I am glad I considered that possibility. It helped me understand how other people work and made physical intimacy less serious, which in turn can only help me make it better, more fun, when I have it.

But here is the end result: I made a new friend, who I think (or at least, hope) will be in my life for some time. Also, while I still don’t get what it is the Universe is telling me, I come to this conclusion: I deserve and need someone who is ok with feeling good when he is with me, wants to be with me, and when he is with me doesn’t want to be anywhere else. That is worth waiting for.