Metamorphosis

It is the end of the year again. I should be writing about all that I have experienced in the last year. I have done this a few times in the past and while it is a cleansing of sorts, I am finding it harder to do this year.

The last five years have been filled with such huge changes in focus and energy. It has been easy to put it out there and let them go. This year has been a transformation more than a change for me. Change is often brought about by outside forces, while transformation seems more personal and deliberate.

My symbol for the year, or possibly my spirit guide, has been the Butterfly. The butterfly is a transformational being, having been through metamorphosis from a larva, stuck on the ground and in the weeds to forage and eat, to a freer, flying being, showing off its colors and stretching its wings. I have felt much the same this year. When I started my new job there was a sign up on the unit welcoming me. It had a Butterfly picture on it. My badge holder, which I bought over five years ago has a Butterfly on it. There is a Butterfly mobile hanging in the nurses station. These symbols surround me and seem to remind me that I have been in transformation, but now I may just be learning to really fly.

Events that occurred in 2010:
Graduated from nursing school, with honors, despite the challenges I faced in the previous year.
Studied for and passed the NCLEX.
Took a week off in the Dominican Republic with my family and friend Donna.
Was hired to be a staff nurse at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center in the Surgical Oncology unit.
Started my training for real.
Had a big party welcoming spring and celebrating our graduation.
Went to Kerrville Folk Festival and realized I really needed to focus on my work for a while. (This made me choose to miss Philadelphia Folk Fest.)
Had the trim and doors on the exterior of the house painted. This gave the house a more vibrant look.
Had the crawlspace under the house lined with vapor barrier, and I re-painted the living room.
Bought the house from Dianne and Jenna, allowing Jenna and her husband to buy a house of their own.
Lost my beautiful big boy Pi to a car on Robinhood Road. Had him cremated.
Celebrated Thanksgiving with the Tribe in Arkansas.
Worked through the Christmas holidays.
Learned more than ever.
Remained calm when patients were having a rough time.
Felt my spirit shine.
Showed off my colors a bit.

Dear Universe: What's the deal?

I am one of those people who will do anything for you. I wasn't always like that, but the universe has changed my ways. I figure I can let go of my old selfish self and embrace the newer healer and helper. That's a magnificent idea. Except today I feel selfish again, and I kind of think the universe owes me a little. I have lost my family, and a few friends. I have given up one career to take up another. I have given up relationships so I can have a career. So now that I am settling into this new life the universe has given me, I feel like I deserve a little personal attention.
I have put my heart on my sleeve in the past, just to have the universe swipe it off like a fly. And today feels no different. Just when I thought the universe was telling me it was safe to get back out there and be vulnerable, a big stop sign shot up in my face. What kind of karma does a girl need to cultivate to have love in her life?

Transition

I took out a dying Rose of Sharon and replaced it with a lovely young "Dura-Heat" Birch. I will be adding flowers to the surrounding soil and to a stretch of soil to the right of the tree. The whole thing amounts to an oval or tear drop shaped island in the front yard.

The Rose of Sharon, with beautiful white double blooms, had been nursed along by my mother for years. Every year more branches would die and have to be cut off. Last year I swore I would cut it down, but did not. I cannot decide if it was because I was too busy to take the time to do it, or if I just did not want to destroy something my mother took great pains to nurture. It bloomed well in spite of the continual rotting of the tree.

This removal and replanting is part of an ongoing project of getting the house in order and preparing it for sale. I am still not sure if I want to stay in it or leave. The original plan with Mom was to sell it right away. But since she died at an inopportune time, now is when I have the time to sort out the details. The house has grown on me, so I don't mind staying for a while. The market is down, so we will not get as much as it is worth if we sell now. But, I would like to live closer to town, closer to places I like to shop and things I like to do.

Whether I stay in the house or not does not really matter in terms of fixing it up now. Things still need to be gone through, given away, thrown away. The weather is getting nicer, so soon I will be sorting out the garage. There are a lot of things in there I do not know what to do with. I am tempted to rent a dumpster.

I am at a time of transition, which is really the only reason I have time to do all of this. I am finished with school, have my nursing license, and am waiting to get hired. My contract with Baptist Hospital requires that the hospital has a certain length of time in which to place me. I have to be patient.

In the meantime, I am taking advantage of the extra time I have. I am cleaning out closets, planting trees and flowers, knitting and reading books that aren't text books. I am also taking the time to grieve the loss of my family, a long overdue process, which is yet another transition.

2009 was a hard year

What a hard year it has been. It seems that the last few years have been full of difficulties and hardships. But on the other hand, I know I am lucky.

I started the year with my entrance to nursing school. Orientation did little to orient us, but we came to class anyway with eyes like a deer stuck in headlights. We had so much work to do with the first test the following week. Slowly we became accustomed to having tests weekly.

Five weeks into the nursing program, and at the end of one course, Mom became ill. One day we went to a Winton Marsalis concert, with her driving, then the next week she had trouble getting around and carrying things.

I started the process of getting Hospice on board. This takes some time, as all kinds of details have to line up. Mom got very sick. Her abdomen had swollen as if she was six months pregnant, and she couldn’t stay focused on everyday things. She knew there was something wrong. After a run around at the VA clinic I took her to the Emergency Room and they admitted her to the palliative care unit at Forsyth Hospital. She was very sick and only getting sicker. After a couple of days they determined she had only weeks to live, probably. Hospice was brought in and I made arrangements for people to stay with Mom at her home while I was in school. Her friends from her AA group were a huge help. Other friends were in and out and my dear, long time friend Meg was there daily.

We continued to monitor her pain level and cognitive function. It was so hard because she didn’t want to sleep, and she would stay in the same position, standing or sitting, for hours, though I suppose for her it seemed only moments. She would say long strings of words that made no sense as a sentence, however they rhymed. I would learn later that this is known as “Clang Association.” She would try to say a full meaningful sentence but she would end with a word that rhymed with the word she meant to use. When we tried to ask if she was ok or wanted to move or needed anything, she would customarily snap at us as if we had just asked. It usually had been an hour or so since last checking on her.

Her pain worsened. It got more difficult for her to get around. We had a wheel chair that made it easy to move her from room to room, but she still wanted to try to walk. And she still wanted to do what she wanted to do, dammit. It was hard for her to grasp that other people needed to be with her and that their needs had to be considered. I suppose I am mostly speaking of myself. I spent all day in school, and all evening wrangling her. I was stuck between needing to study for the next impending test, and wanting desperately to spend every moment I could with my mother. Every once in a while she would say something with such clarity and conviction. As she said these things I knew I should pay attention and remember them. But they would run fleeting through my tired mind. It was enough just to be with her.

After four weeks of family and friends coming in and out of the house, after another four weeks of school where I wasn’t sure, on a daily basis, if I could continue, after essentially moving into Mom’s house, but leaving a lot of my things behind at my apartment, Mom’s condition worsened. It was the end approaching. It was the end of Mom’s life, and the end of the term at school. I had lab check offs and final exams at school, and Mom’s pain increasing and breathing patterns changing at home. I called the family to come. I wouldn’t have made it to or through that week without my new made school friends helping me with study guides and support, or without my oldest friends staying with me by my dying mother’s bedside and helping her transition out of this world and into the next.

Many other things happened along the way. There were the cigarette wars. Mom was going to smoke, dammit. It was her house. I didn’t want her to smoke alone, because she was prone to dropping the lit cigarettes. So, we made sure to keep her cigarettes out of her reach if no one was actively with her. This controlling behavior pissed her off, but was necessary.

One day when my uncle Paul, my aunts Eileen and Clare and my cousin Sarah were visiting, we were all on the deck enjoying the nice warm early spring weather. Mom was sitting quietly and someone asked her how she was. She replied, “I’m radiating out into the universe.”

While my sister was singing “Amazing Grace” to her at her bedside, Mom said aloud, “Fuck it.” That didn’t stop Dianne from singing, and later we all got a chuckle out of it.

Near the end, one of the last things I heard my mother say was, “We’re going to take it apart, and put it back together again.” That was sort of the story of her life. The people who knew my Mom know she was an auto mechanic for many years, and was always tinkering and pulling things apart and putting them back together. Periodically her life would seemingly be pulled apart, and bit-by-bit she would put it back together.

On Wednesday March 25, 2009 I had my final exam for Pharmacology. When I got home I found my Aunt Eileen was there with my dear friend Donna who had come from Massachusetts to help me. Meg was also there, still there from the day before. After a while Meg said goodnight and farewell to Mom. My Mother had been a second mother to her. At the very end, Eileen, Donna and I were by her side. We had been taking advantage of the gifts of food brought by friends and had just finished desert when Donna put her hands on my mother. Mom’s choppy “Cheyne-Stokes” breaths quieted, she took a few gentle breaths, and was gone, out into the universe. We decided that she had only waited for desert.

A few hours later, Paul and Clare arrived. The next morning we got up and did what our family has always done. We went to breakfast. After breakfast I took my final exam for my Health Assessments class and the following day I took the final for my Introduction to Nursing II class. I did not stop going to school, nor did I ask school to stop for me.

I decided I needed to wait until after my first round of clinical experience before I could handle a memorial service. It may have seemed a little late for some people, but I wanted to give attention to my mother’s life. The people who knew her later in her life never knew her as a mother of young children, as a beautiful race car driver, as a stunningly tall Marine Corps Officer. I had many pictures to scan, music to select, and above all, readings and speakers to arrange to present a memorial to my mother that was not typical. Because of all things my mother was, she was not typical.

So, despite a few snags and snafus we had a lovely memorial service for Mom in May. We laid her ashes to rest next to Mike and kitty corner to Kate. The family left, (Clare stayed on a few days to help organize a few things for me) and I continued school.

In April I had moved completely out of my apartment into Mom’s house. Most of my things went into storage. I continued with school, while periodically moving things into the house and out of the house.

I immersed myself in school. I barely let myself breathe. But I have learned so much. I have witnessed birth, pain, understanding, learning, joy at small things, heartbreak at large things and vice-versa.

Together, my cohorts and I have trudged through this year’s education. From May until now we have been but a blur. We have nursed cancer patients, general surgery patients, neurology patients, mental patients, maternity patients, heart patients, victims of car accidents and many others. We went through the rite of passage of nurses and were “pinned” on December 17, though we don’t finish until February. This has confused a lot of people. I am forever grateful that Dianne, Meg, Mr. B., Paul, Eileen, Allison, and Anita could be there. Clare was there in spirit and I know that my Mother was with me as well.

As school has progressed I have attempted to take care of myself. I am taking advantage of Hospice’s counseling. I am getting massages occasionally. I am going hiking when I can. I am listening to music. I am seeing my tribe when I can. I am grateful for every day and for having the families I have, both of birth and of choice.

Even though this year has been especially hard, I have a roof over my head. I have food to eat. I have education that will allow me employment even in this difficult time. And though I am the last of my original family, the one I was born into, I have my larger family. I am lucky.

long time no write

It's been forever, it seems since I wrote something here. I guess I am doing a bit better, though I have very little time to truly process everything.
Just a few things:
I really have some cool stuff running through my brain that will make it here eventually. Part of the process.
I am almost finished with nursing school. Everything has been put on hold. Most of the things I thought I'd get to do at the beginning of the year have been put aside, but I will get to go to see my tribe in Prairie Grove, for which I am very grateful.
Nursing school has been difficult, but I am learning a lot. I feel that I may have a renewed energy surging up to get me through the next three months and for that I am also grateful.
My life, as complicated as it is, has been is blessed with good friends, new and old.
More later.
Namaste.

how am I?

People ask me often how I am. I say I am fine. But I am so busy dealing with all that has come down on my shoulders to really know if that is true. I certainly haven't had the time to really think through all that has happened. And I don't think I am fine, but I don't have the time to deal with it, so I'll keep saying I am. Maybe it'll come true.

My mom died on March 25. I am just now getting around to writing it here. I am it, I am the one left of my original nuclear family of five. Siblings and parents all gone, I stand here. Alone in many ways, though not alone. There are friends and extended family. There are cats. There is stress and tension and too much to do in school. I feel like I will have to put dealing with this on hold until next year when it is more convenient to handle. I know that's a pipe dream. I have to deal with it now. But how can I add counseling into my already intense schedule? I keep thinking that if I can just get a few things out of the way, I will be better. And as things get out of the way, more things and priorities come and take their places.

It's not fair. That's pretty much it in a nut shell. Crappy shitty circumstances. That's it for now.

Reflections of 2008

At the beginning of 2008 I thought I would be in south Florida right now. It’s funny how the twists and turns of life set you in the place you are supposed to be, even if you try not to go with it.

Disappointment in my school’s policy changes made me look at what my plans should really be. School sanctioned loans were now only being available to pay for tuition and school related expenses, not living expenses. It was not what I had been told when I started, and I was angered by the way they handled the change. Those students who were taking advantage of loans that helped with living expenses were not told the policy changed. My loan moneys were sent back to the lender instead of being held for my tuition in the next term. They made it very difficult to be in school. So I started looking elsewhere. I got private loans (Thank goodness I have good credit). I continued to make good grades. I grew amazed at the kind of student I have become. I stopped working so I could focus better on school.

My mom suggested coming back to Winston-Salem. The schools were less expensive, as was the cost of living. I looked into it and found an accelerated program at Winston-Salem State University. I figured out if I scheduled everything just right, I could be finished with the prerequisite course work in time to start the program in January of 2009.

Jenna was coming in on the home stretch in school and planning her wedding. In a flurry of activity over a period of about three months, she finished her piano proficiency requirement, (not without many prayers and hours of practice), then she produced a new demo CD and produced a final concert, the likes of which her school had never seen before. I helped Jenna with her demo by listening to the recordings and making suggestions and by designing the cover-art. Her concert was with a full band with back up singers. We stretched the capabilities of the sound system, and helped the school folks figure out what things weren’t as they were designed to be. It was a learning opportunity for all involved. The concert was recorded and was well received by the audience. The whole project took up more time than I expected it would. Luckily I was on spring break the week of the concert. It all ended with my being absolutely proud of Jenna. Mike would beam as well. I think I beamed enough for the both of us.

Shortly after, Jenna graduated and moved away from Florida to get married and land, for a while, in Hawaii. I cried when Jenna moved away. We had grown incredibly close over the last five years. Our experience together bonded us forever. I cried because I knew that a step in my journey was completed and I was back on my own.

I watched Jenna as a beautiful Bride in Charleston. As I watched her dance with her husband I saw a woman who was right where she belonged. As I packed up the sound system from the wedding, I felt Mike’s presence with me. He was surely there that day.

After the wedding I finished the term at school and packed up all of my stuff again, embarking on another leg of my journey. I reconnected with my stepmother who I had not seen since my Dad died. It was cool to hear her describe the person she saw as my dad. I had forgotten some of his goofier characteristics, and now I see them in myself. Back in West Palm I had to say goodbye to a lot of people I had met along the way, a lot of Mike’s friends and folks I had met working. Some were people I may never see again. Others are friends that I yearn to see every day. It was hard to say goodbye.

It was hard to leave, knowing I was leaving a bit of my experience with Mike behind. I was leaving Clematis Street and West Palm Beach and all of its strange small town weirdness that Mike loved. I was leaving the bike racks that our friend Raphael had placed by the downtown Starbucks in loving memory of Mike. I was leaving the regulars that could be seen watching the foot traffic outside of Starbucks.

I was supposed to leave behind the intensity of the last four months of Mike’s life, but it all came crashing down on me on the day I was supposed to leave. The emotions I had kept so well tucked away while helping Jenna get through losing her dad and finishing school bubbled up and washed over my eyes. I couldn’t see to pack the trailer. I remembered my dear Sneetch who I had lost right before Mike got ill. I remembered I was moving to North Carolina primarily to spend more time with my mother who had inoperable and unresponsive cancer. The losses experienced while in Florida choked me.

After packing the big truck, I couldn’t fit all of the stuff left in the house into the trailer I had rented. I had already locked the big truck with the locked provided by the trucking company; otherwise I would have added the extra stuff to it. I had more stuff in my life because I had Mike’s stuff too. Although I had managed to give away or sell a lot of his stuff, there was still more than I could handle at the time. It added to my frustration. Lois came by and I was beside myself. I could tell she didn’t know what to do with me. I think I was showing all of the grief of the last few years on my face. All I had been holding back was pushing against my surface.

I left behind a few things. Lois and Raphael agreed they would keep a few things for me. I couldn’t even finish cleaning the house. I did a lot of cleaning. I was by myself and running out of time. After a short nap, I loaded my newest companion, Pi, into the car and set off. Hauling the trailer, sleeping occasionally, I finally made it to Winston-Salem after nearly twenty hours, normally a twelve-hour drive.

I started school the very next day and have been going full tilt ever since. I completed a five-week course in microbiology at UNCG. I moved into my apartment on July first, the day before my first test. Settling in happened gradually. I got to attend the Philadelphia Folk Festival for the first time in two years. That festival gives me the opportunity to mix music for recording. I hope the festival continues and I continue to have that opportunity.

I started at WSSU in August. I finished my prerequisites with Chemistry. I also took an elementary Spanish course. This new school has it’s own issues within its administration, but the program won’t be so long that I can’t put up with the idiosyncrasies. I was accepted and given a scholarship for the accelerated program. The scholarship is for books, fees and in-state tuition only. Since I’ve been away so long, I am considered an out-of-state student for tuition purposes. I can petition for status change in July.

I managed to take off to New York City on fall break. A good friend got married, and it gave me the excuse to see some friends there. It was cool to be there in the fall and to connect with the place where Mike and I had such an interesting time in his last month.

Arriving in North Carolina, I began a new relationship with my Mother. We have been having a real good time getting to know each other better. She has expressed her appreciation for my being close. She says I’ve added a spring to her step. We are grateful for everyday that she wakes up and every moment we have together. I hear a lot of the same stories over and over. Part of that, I am sure, is Mom working through the details of her health and her decision not to try any more treatment. Part of that is that she likes to talk and tell stories, even if they are the stories of her life today.

In the background I am bracing myself for what’s to come. School will become much more intense. Mom might get sicker very quick. She may die quickly. There are many possibilities. One thing I know for sure is that I am strong enough to handle it. It crushes me with the weight some days, but I know that I will get through it.

I have a selfish desire to have Mom see me graduate. The last time I graduated college she was snuck onstage. When I turned around to receive my paper, she was holding it out to me. I don’t expect that to happen again, but it would do me good to see pride on a parent’s face again. She actually shows me that a lot. I am just being greedy. How much more can I do for her? What else can we do with the time given us? I ask that question regularly. She’s not up to a whole lot of activity lately, but we do see each other regularly. I suppose that is enough. I have to hold those moments close. I also have to hold close the moments I have with friends. They are as important as my family. With out them I do not believe I could stand in the storm of my life.

At the close of this year, I can only imagine what lies ahead of me. I learned from last year, that I shouldn't make predictions. I hope to make a trip to Florida to see some folks there. I hope to go back to Philly Folk Fest. I hope to go to Kerrville, but I don’t see that as a possibility. I am pretty sure I’ll be in Prairie Grove for Thanksgiving. A small windfall to allow me to go to Hawaii and see Jenna would be great too. Until I get employed again though, I have to stick close to home. My home. Wherever that may be.


Photo by Ruth Whitten

Soap

The resulting soap granules, which looked as if they would measure less than a gram in mass, looked like cream-colored breadcrumbs, but when rubbed between the fingers were soft and slick like soft damp soap one would have in the bath.

political feelings

First I want to say that I am pleased with the outcome of the election this year. There are many feelings swirling around regarding the historical momentous place we find our selves in. Having grown up in the south, not understanding why people had a problem with race, I find it pleasing to know that the south is starting to change. If John McCain had been elected, I would be in a depression that no financial bailout would have helped.

I generally don't hang my politics on my sleeve or put them on my car. I think quietly about who I think would be a good choice for the issues that I find important. I think a lot of people do that. My number one issue is the environment. If we continue to run our environment into the ground, changing it into something that we, as well as all the other species we live with, have not evolved to be in, we cannot continue as a species. So if we do not have a supportive environment that is conducive to our continuation as a species, it does not matter if we can afford to buy a house, or if we have health care. No amount of health care is going to be able to compete with our own quick and drastic change of our environment. Our physiological systems of homeostasis have evolved to live in the world we are rapidly losing. Evolution just does not happen that fast.

I found it disheartening that most of the candidates did not talk about the environment in the initial outburst of campaigning. I say most, but not all. Dennis Kucinich spoke about the environment. Ralph Nader spoke about the environment. But did we hear media coverage of anyone speaking on the environment? I did not. I did not even know Ralph Nader was running for president until about a month and a half before the election.

I know Ralph Nader is a risky person to put on TV. He is something of an edge dancing liberal. Even some of my liberal friends do not take him seriously. However, how much time has the media given him to tell us what his plans are? How do we know what his ideas for our future would be if the media does not show the public any of his speeches? I am not saying he would have been a better choice. What I am trying to convey is that we did not have the opportunity to even hear what he had to say. He and the other candidates for president that were not in the two major parties were not invited to debate the major candidates. I find that appalling.

It makes me wonder about payola in the media. Do the candidates from the major parties pay off the major news networks to cover them? If the smaller grassroots candidates had more money, they could give payola too. Would that put them in the debates? I really hope that the future holds more debate by more candidates.

I hope that our future is looking better. I feel a sense that good change is coming. I pray that Mr. Obama doesn't give in to the political pressures and turn from the everyman president into the everyday politician. I pray he and his family stay safe.

where is HOME?

On my way home from Philly Folk Fest, where I was fawned over a bit too much, I got to thinking about HOME. Where is HOME? I have a place to live, so for now that is home. But I don't feel HOME. I am not settled. There are too many things to do and a lot of nervous energy around me, most of which is in me.

I often speak or write about my life as a journey. Each large episode seems to be a leg of the whole journey. But lately this leaves me feeling like I cannot settle down and find a PLACE to BE.

Mike had expressed his appreciation to me for helping him feel like he was HOME after many years of being on his own and only having places to put his stuff and lay his head. It left me feeling unsure of my role in his feeling, but I excepted how he felt as good.

There is a part of me that wonders if I find that place of HOME if I will be near to the end of my life, like Mike was (unknowingly) when he found HOME. I know it is silly to even think about it in terms like that, but there is a swirling question of what the hell it all means. I yearn for calm and mellowness and comfort. I try to find it even while I journey.

My mother's illness progresses slowly. She is finding quality of life where she can. And she is Home.