Road map of my possible future self

Every once in a while I get a glimpse of what my life could look like in the future. That glimpse is often laid out like a map that shows possible routes I could take, but doesn’t necessarily tell me where the dead end roads are.

I reflected on my childbearing years today. They are drawing to a close fairly soon, and I hold no prospects for a father, or even for a future with children. I am considering going back to school next year, or the following. Having a baby now would make that difficult, if not impossible. I have no idea how I would do it. I could finish school in a few years, two or three maybe, then be out of time (though these days it is easier for older women to have babies.) I would want to be home for a while with a newborn, but that could curtail a new career.

Today, I lack a father for my possible future child, and that’s an important element. When people ask me if I have kids I tell them, “No, I haven’t found the right father.” I had considered having a child on my own, but thought better of it, feeling a variety of reasons, but one being that I would need help, and a child needs a father. (or father figure) Two parents are better than one. I don’t want to step too much in the subject of same sex partnerships in this entry, but I respect my friends who are parents no matter what their family situation is. In my world, I would want the father to be a present force and influence.

And what if I fall for a guy who doesn’t want kids, but I feel so connected to him that it seems to make not having a kid OK? Maybe he would already have children by another marriage and not be interested in having more. I can understand that. My brother Mike and I had talks about that. His fiancé wanted kids, and on one hand Mike was kind of interested, but on the other, he wasn’t interested in going through all of the responsibility again; supporting another kid for another 18 years.

When I think about the idea of not having children I am saddened. My life has taken me to places of immense beauty and love, as well as desperate fear and loss. I feel I may have already lost my child I never had.

The map I glimpsed today showed my possible routes without children. I am not sure I want to turn down those roads yet, though those roads may lead me to places where there is light and love, unconditional, like a child’s love, or a mother’s love for her child.


My youngest best friend Kaia

25 Years Ago

It was Thursday May 20, 1982 when my big sister drove her 1963 multicolored spray painted Volkswagon Van off to a rehearsal with the Young Salem Symphony. She never made it to rehearsal. She was crashed into by a guy who thought it was a good idea to get drunk in the afternoon and then try to drive home. The pain of that day has dulled, but I still miss Kate.

Do your family and me a favor. Dont drink and drive. And wear your seatbelt. If Kate's seatbelt had been functional, she may still be with us today, and I would be writing about something else.


Photo by Vonnie Hicks

Cracked Up

I've been working for the Florida Grand Opera for the last couple of months. While I have been there, I have been privileged to make two exceptional new friends, Juan Carlos and Landa. They have made me feel welcome and comfortable there. Today they had me laughing so much, for so long, I had to leave to cry a little. I haven't laughed like that in a very long time. What a release. I came back after my cry and kissed them both on the cheek and thanked them for being blessings in my life. I have learned not to take those beautiful connections for granted.

"your friends confine you in their worlds
one by one, a string of pearls
confused you say
this isn't me
you hover in their unity
ashamed you slowly lose your grasp
release the links, undo the clasp
the skin that drips down off the tree
or peels back slowly from your knee
erupts into your lung and heart
you laugh and laughing fall apart."
--Phish


Juan Carlos, Myself, Landa (and Aniela goofing in the back!)

Don't Postpone Joy

Don’t Postpone Joy. That’s what is on a button I found last year at Kerrville Folk Festival I have tried to take those words to heart and experience joy. I have found it in bits and pieces and lately the chunks are getting bigger. That is a blessing I praise and count daily. I have been experiencing new friendship and lovely energy from members of the opposite sex. (that’s been typically frustrating, but fun at the same time, and since I have been so overwhelmed by grief and anxiety for the last year I haven’t given myself permission to feel those kinds of joys until now) This new found joy is being over shadowed somewhat by news from Mom. She has started chemo again. The fear started to dribble in. What if she gets an infection? What if her body rejects the drugs? Is it worth the possible extra time? I remind myself that it’s out of my hands, and that my joys are important. And I suppose even more important than my grief.

Character and Cancer

"With the modern diseases (once TB, now cancer), the romantic idea that the disease expresses the character is invariably extended to assert that the character causes the disease – because it has not expressed itself. Passion moves inward, striking and blighting the deepest cellular recesses." Susan Sontag