In 2002 after fulfilling my career goals as a sound designer I openly discussed my leaving Philadelphia with a friend of mine. I had no idea where I was to be going, but I knew I had to leave. As I told my friend my initial plans, I had a inner sense of peace come over me in regards to that decision. This led me to believe that I was on the right track. Since then, each major decision I have made that stirred up my life and made it change course has given me a similar sensation. A knowing. A feeling of rightness, even if the decision was painful or leading to great stress.
Moving back to my home town was a stressful endeavor, however, there was a rightness to it. My mother was going to be needing help, there was a school I could attend, and there were job opportunities when I finished school. I never imagined I would be living in my mother's house after her death. It was an idea that I avoided, that repulsed me to an extent, but here I am in her house, now mine. However, I do not feel at home.
I ran into a former teacher the other night. After telling him I had bought my mother's house he said to me, "Now you are rooted here." That idea scared me. My roots are here. I was born here, and have lived here on and off for many years, but I am bothered by the idea that I may have to stay here. It is not an impossible idea, just not ideal. But then again, I have no idea what is ideal. I just have a strong sense that I will know my next step when I find it.
I know that I have to accomplish many things in this house before I can really begin to search for where I am supposed to be next, but I am eager to find out where my next "place" will be. I know that it is important to have good friends nearby and a secure job. The culture of the city is important too. There are many aspects of my hometown I love, but I do not feel like it is my last town. However, I could have it all wrong. The Universe has a way of showing me that I don't have the plan, that I am just following the map as it unfolds.
http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/astropix.html
1 comment:
Your post today put me in mind of this poem. I've been thinking about many of the same issues, of late. Thanks for talking about them in such a soulful, honest way.
Ithaca
When you set out for Ithaka
ask that your way be long,
full of adventure, full of instruction.
The Laistrygonians and the Cyclops,
angry Poseidon - do not fear them:
such as these you will never find
as long as your thought is lofty, as long as a rare
emotion touch your spirit and your body.
The Laistrygonians and the Cyclops,
angry Poseidon - you will not meet them
unless you carry them in your soul,
unless your soul raise them up before you.
Ask that your way be long.
At many a Summer dawn to enter
with what gratitude, what joy -
ports seen for the first time;
to stop at Phoenician trading centres,
and to buy good merchandise,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensuous perfumes of every kind,
sensuous perfumes as lavishly as you can;
to visit many Egyptian cities,
to gather stores of knowledge from the learned.
Have Ithaka always in your mind.
Your arrival there is what you are destined for.
But don't in the least hurry the journey.
Better it last for years,
so that when you reach the island you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to give you wealth.
Ithaka gave you a splendid journey.
Without her you would not have set out.
She hasn't anything else to give you.
And if you find her poor, Ithaka hasn't deceived you.
So wise you have become, of such experience,
that already you'll have understood what these Ithakas mean.
Constantine P Cavafy
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