Dear Universe, I'm Ready.

Don't let my smiling pictures on facebook fool you, if you are my friend there. I having been chasing my fickle friend Joy for a few months now. I admit there are days when I really feel the Joy bubbling up. But then she just creeps away and hides in the corner, leaving me feeling misused and down in the dumps.

One day in late winter I looked up and noticed someone looking at me. A guy. He was pretty handsome, and was looking at me with interest and curiosity. I can't say how long it's been since I noticed that from anyone. Wow, I thought. That's pretty cool. Maybe it's time I gave myself the opportunity to open up again. I have been so wrapped up in the goings on of taking care of my family and starting this new career that I couldn't really see me meeting anyone, let alone dating. So now, with my nursing practice off the ground, my life in more order than it's been in for years, I think, OK, let's give it a whirl.

The new energy this gave me was great. Joy was abundant, even though there was no dating, and not even a conversation about dating. But I thought there could be. Even with that possibility, I felt better about life and yes, even a little more Joyous.

In other aspects of my life, I felt lighter and more Joyful. The garden was being planned and going in. I had a new dog. The weather was changing and getting warmer. I had lost my nursing school weight and was losing more. I genuinely felt emotionally lighter and happier than I had in years.

Conversation with the guy had begun, sort of. Then all of those things I had forgotten about regarding new found interests and sexual tension came back into my consciousness. Self doubt being rampant, I focused more on other things that were making me happy. I found real meaning in my work and that was very good for me. I had hope for new beginnings.

I quickly became disappointed by the lack of any forward movement with this guy (who incidentally was dating someone), so I turned inward and again to my nursing to find more happiness than I had had in years. I thought I had come to the conclusion that I really didn't need that energy from a potential partner to add to my happiness and Joy. However, I had also realized that after hiding for so long from meeting someone I might be able to share my life with, I now felt I was ready and told the Universe in a prayer that I was ready.

That very next week, I met someone. Now, I thought, "Ask and you shall receive. All right!" Very easy and cool conversations began. I was comfortable and yes, a little more full of my friend Joy. But, of course, when I told the universe I was ready, I never mentioned anything about proximity. Foolish girl, you're supposed to think these things out. Yeah, right. So now I think, here's a really nice guy, similar interests, easy to be around. However, he lives a long way away from Cackalack, which is where I presently live. What the hell is the Universe trying to tell me here?

I like to think both of us felt the same way. Interested, but not interested in the long distance thing, but interested enough to continue the conversation over the miles, for a couple of weeks, that is. But that shit doesn't work for most people. I don't know how my niece and her husband did it. Actually I do, since I lived with Jenna while they were courting. I know they were both very dedicated and determined. And I know it was very hard. But it isn't in the cards for me right now. The timing is fucked up, the distance too great. Again and repeatedly I ask why was this person even brought into my life like this if I can't even give it a try? Who the hell needs that torment? It's not his fault and I still really like him and hope to remain friends with him. It's just a sucky situation.

While that bitch Joy is milling about in other people's hearts, I am trying again to find solace and peace in mine. Work has been a little more stressful lately, so it's been more difficult to find Joy there. I do find glimpses of her and smile when she winks at me.

I deeply believe things happen for a reason. If I didn't, I would have checked myself into the Looney Bin a while ago. I have found meaning in my losses. Now I just have to find meaning in this. For now it eludes me. Joy better get her butt back here. I like her too much. And Universe? I am ready. Really. Just none of that bullshit, ok? Is that asking too much? :)

Am I home?

It's been a long time since I had a sense of being at home. Actually I am not sure have ever felt it absolutely. I am content with where I am, however I seldom feel like I am where I should ultimately be. This leaves me with an almost constant feeling of unease and a longing for that place where I will be HOME.

In 2002 after fulfilling my career goals as a sound designer I openly discussed my leaving Philadelphia with a friend of mine. I had no idea where I was to be going, but I knew I had to leave. As I told my friend my initial plans, I had a inner sense of peace come over me in regards to that decision. This led me to believe that I was on the right track. Since then, each major decision I have made that stirred up my life and made it change course has given me a similar sensation. A knowing. A feeling of rightness, even if the decision was painful or leading to great stress.

Moving back to my home town was a stressful endeavor, however, there was a rightness to it. My mother was going to be needing help, there was a school I could attend, and there were job opportunities when I finished school. I never imagined I would be living in my mother's house after her death. It was an idea that I avoided, that repulsed me to an extent, but here I am in her house, now mine. However, I do not feel at home.

I ran into a former teacher the other night. After telling him I had bought my mother's house he said to me, "Now you are rooted here." That idea scared me. My roots are here. I was born here, and have lived here on and off for many years, but I am bothered by the idea that I may have to stay here. It is not an impossible idea, just not ideal. But then again, I have no idea what is ideal. I just have a strong sense that I will know my next step when I find it.

I know that I have to accomplish many things in this house before I can really begin to search for where I am supposed to be next, but I am eager to find out where my next "place" will be. I know that it is important to have good friends nearby and a secure job. The culture of the city is important too. There are many aspects of my hometown I love, but I do not feel like it is my last town. However, I could have it all wrong. The Universe has a way of showing me that I don't have the plan, that I am just following the map as it unfolds.


http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/astropix.html