Metamorphosis

It is the end of the year again. I should be writing about all that I have experienced in the last year. I have done this a few times in the past and while it is a cleansing of sorts, I am finding it harder to do this year.

The last five years have been filled with such huge changes in focus and energy. It has been easy to put it out there and let them go. This year has been a transformation more than a change for me. Change is often brought about by outside forces, while transformation seems more personal and deliberate.

My symbol for the year, or possibly my spirit guide, has been the Butterfly. The butterfly is a transformational being, having been through metamorphosis from a larva, stuck on the ground and in the weeds to forage and eat, to a freer, flying being, showing off its colors and stretching its wings. I have felt much the same this year. When I started my new job there was a sign up on the unit welcoming me. It had a Butterfly picture on it. My badge holder, which I bought over five years ago has a Butterfly on it. There is a Butterfly mobile hanging in the nurses station. These symbols surround me and seem to remind me that I have been in transformation, but now I may just be learning to really fly.

Events that occurred in 2010:
Graduated from nursing school, with honors, despite the challenges I faced in the previous year.
Studied for and passed the NCLEX.
Took a week off in the Dominican Republic with my family and friend Donna.
Was hired to be a staff nurse at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center in the Surgical Oncology unit.
Started my training for real.
Had a big party welcoming spring and celebrating our graduation.
Went to Kerrville Folk Festival and realized I really needed to focus on my work for a while. (This made me choose to miss Philadelphia Folk Fest.)
Had the trim and doors on the exterior of the house painted. This gave the house a more vibrant look.
Had the crawlspace under the house lined with vapor barrier, and I re-painted the living room.
Bought the house from Dianne and Jenna, allowing Jenna and her husband to buy a house of their own.
Lost my beautiful big boy Pi to a car on Robinhood Road. Had him cremated.
Celebrated Thanksgiving with the Tribe in Arkansas.
Worked through the Christmas holidays.
Learned more than ever.
Remained calm when patients were having a rough time.
Felt my spirit shine.
Showed off my colors a bit.

Dear Universe: What's the deal?

I am one of those people who will do anything for you. I wasn't always like that, but the universe has changed my ways. I figure I can let go of my old selfish self and embrace the newer healer and helper. That's a magnificent idea. Except today I feel selfish again, and I kind of think the universe owes me a little. I have lost my family, and a few friends. I have given up one career to take up another. I have given up relationships so I can have a career. So now that I am settling into this new life the universe has given me, I feel like I deserve a little personal attention.
I have put my heart on my sleeve in the past, just to have the universe swipe it off like a fly. And today feels no different. Just when I thought the universe was telling me it was safe to get back out there and be vulnerable, a big stop sign shot up in my face. What kind of karma does a girl need to cultivate to have love in her life?

Transition

I took out a dying Rose of Sharon and replaced it with a lovely young "Dura-Heat" Birch. I will be adding flowers to the surrounding soil and to a stretch of soil to the right of the tree. The whole thing amounts to an oval or tear drop shaped island in the front yard.

The Rose of Sharon, with beautiful white double blooms, had been nursed along by my mother for years. Every year more branches would die and have to be cut off. Last year I swore I would cut it down, but did not. I cannot decide if it was because I was too busy to take the time to do it, or if I just did not want to destroy something my mother took great pains to nurture. It bloomed well in spite of the continual rotting of the tree.

This removal and replanting is part of an ongoing project of getting the house in order and preparing it for sale. I am still not sure if I want to stay in it or leave. The original plan with Mom was to sell it right away. But since she died at an inopportune time, now is when I have the time to sort out the details. The house has grown on me, so I don't mind staying for a while. The market is down, so we will not get as much as it is worth if we sell now. But, I would like to live closer to town, closer to places I like to shop and things I like to do.

Whether I stay in the house or not does not really matter in terms of fixing it up now. Things still need to be gone through, given away, thrown away. The weather is getting nicer, so soon I will be sorting out the garage. There are a lot of things in there I do not know what to do with. I am tempted to rent a dumpster.

I am at a time of transition, which is really the only reason I have time to do all of this. I am finished with school, have my nursing license, and am waiting to get hired. My contract with Baptist Hospital requires that the hospital has a certain length of time in which to place me. I have to be patient.

In the meantime, I am taking advantage of the extra time I have. I am cleaning out closets, planting trees and flowers, knitting and reading books that aren't text books. I am also taking the time to grieve the loss of my family, a long overdue process, which is yet another transition.