Reflections of 2008

At the beginning of 2008 I thought I would be in south Florida right now. It’s funny how the twists and turns of life set you in the place you are supposed to be, even if you try not to go with it.

Disappointment in my school’s policy changes made me look at what my plans should really be. School sanctioned loans were now only being available to pay for tuition and school related expenses, not living expenses. It was not what I had been told when I started, and I was angered by the way they handled the change. Those students who were taking advantage of loans that helped with living expenses were not told the policy changed. My loan moneys were sent back to the lender instead of being held for my tuition in the next term. They made it very difficult to be in school. So I started looking elsewhere. I got private loans (Thank goodness I have good credit). I continued to make good grades. I grew amazed at the kind of student I have become. I stopped working so I could focus better on school.

My mom suggested coming back to Winston-Salem. The schools were less expensive, as was the cost of living. I looked into it and found an accelerated program at Winston-Salem State University. I figured out if I scheduled everything just right, I could be finished with the prerequisite course work in time to start the program in January of 2009.

Jenna was coming in on the home stretch in school and planning her wedding. In a flurry of activity over a period of about three months, she finished her piano proficiency requirement, (not without many prayers and hours of practice), then she produced a new demo CD and produced a final concert, the likes of which her school had never seen before. I helped Jenna with her demo by listening to the recordings and making suggestions and by designing the cover-art. Her concert was with a full band with back up singers. We stretched the capabilities of the sound system, and helped the school folks figure out what things weren’t as they were designed to be. It was a learning opportunity for all involved. The concert was recorded and was well received by the audience. The whole project took up more time than I expected it would. Luckily I was on spring break the week of the concert. It all ended with my being absolutely proud of Jenna. Mike would beam as well. I think I beamed enough for the both of us.

Shortly after, Jenna graduated and moved away from Florida to get married and land, for a while, in Hawaii. I cried when Jenna moved away. We had grown incredibly close over the last five years. Our experience together bonded us forever. I cried because I knew that a step in my journey was completed and I was back on my own.

I watched Jenna as a beautiful Bride in Charleston. As I watched her dance with her husband I saw a woman who was right where she belonged. As I packed up the sound system from the wedding, I felt Mike’s presence with me. He was surely there that day.

After the wedding I finished the term at school and packed up all of my stuff again, embarking on another leg of my journey. I reconnected with my stepmother who I had not seen since my Dad died. It was cool to hear her describe the person she saw as my dad. I had forgotten some of his goofier characteristics, and now I see them in myself. Back in West Palm I had to say goodbye to a lot of people I had met along the way, a lot of Mike’s friends and folks I had met working. Some were people I may never see again. Others are friends that I yearn to see every day. It was hard to say goodbye.

It was hard to leave, knowing I was leaving a bit of my experience with Mike behind. I was leaving Clematis Street and West Palm Beach and all of its strange small town weirdness that Mike loved. I was leaving the bike racks that our friend Raphael had placed by the downtown Starbucks in loving memory of Mike. I was leaving the regulars that could be seen watching the foot traffic outside of Starbucks.

I was supposed to leave behind the intensity of the last four months of Mike’s life, but it all came crashing down on me on the day I was supposed to leave. The emotions I had kept so well tucked away while helping Jenna get through losing her dad and finishing school bubbled up and washed over my eyes. I couldn’t see to pack the trailer. I remembered my dear Sneetch who I had lost right before Mike got ill. I remembered I was moving to North Carolina primarily to spend more time with my mother who had inoperable and unresponsive cancer. The losses experienced while in Florida choked me.

After packing the big truck, I couldn’t fit all of the stuff left in the house into the trailer I had rented. I had already locked the big truck with the locked provided by the trucking company; otherwise I would have added the extra stuff to it. I had more stuff in my life because I had Mike’s stuff too. Although I had managed to give away or sell a lot of his stuff, there was still more than I could handle at the time. It added to my frustration. Lois came by and I was beside myself. I could tell she didn’t know what to do with me. I think I was showing all of the grief of the last few years on my face. All I had been holding back was pushing against my surface.

I left behind a few things. Lois and Raphael agreed they would keep a few things for me. I couldn’t even finish cleaning the house. I did a lot of cleaning. I was by myself and running out of time. After a short nap, I loaded my newest companion, Pi, into the car and set off. Hauling the trailer, sleeping occasionally, I finally made it to Winston-Salem after nearly twenty hours, normally a twelve-hour drive.

I started school the very next day and have been going full tilt ever since. I completed a five-week course in microbiology at UNCG. I moved into my apartment on July first, the day before my first test. Settling in happened gradually. I got to attend the Philadelphia Folk Festival for the first time in two years. That festival gives me the opportunity to mix music for recording. I hope the festival continues and I continue to have that opportunity.

I started at WSSU in August. I finished my prerequisites with Chemistry. I also took an elementary Spanish course. This new school has it’s own issues within its administration, but the program won’t be so long that I can’t put up with the idiosyncrasies. I was accepted and given a scholarship for the accelerated program. The scholarship is for books, fees and in-state tuition only. Since I’ve been away so long, I am considered an out-of-state student for tuition purposes. I can petition for status change in July.

I managed to take off to New York City on fall break. A good friend got married, and it gave me the excuse to see some friends there. It was cool to be there in the fall and to connect with the place where Mike and I had such an interesting time in his last month.

Arriving in North Carolina, I began a new relationship with my Mother. We have been having a real good time getting to know each other better. She has expressed her appreciation for my being close. She says I’ve added a spring to her step. We are grateful for everyday that she wakes up and every moment we have together. I hear a lot of the same stories over and over. Part of that, I am sure, is Mom working through the details of her health and her decision not to try any more treatment. Part of that is that she likes to talk and tell stories, even if they are the stories of her life today.

In the background I am bracing myself for what’s to come. School will become much more intense. Mom might get sicker very quick. She may die quickly. There are many possibilities. One thing I know for sure is that I am strong enough to handle it. It crushes me with the weight some days, but I know that I will get through it.

I have a selfish desire to have Mom see me graduate. The last time I graduated college she was snuck onstage. When I turned around to receive my paper, she was holding it out to me. I don’t expect that to happen again, but it would do me good to see pride on a parent’s face again. She actually shows me that a lot. I am just being greedy. How much more can I do for her? What else can we do with the time given us? I ask that question regularly. She’s not up to a whole lot of activity lately, but we do see each other regularly. I suppose that is enough. I have to hold those moments close. I also have to hold close the moments I have with friends. They are as important as my family. With out them I do not believe I could stand in the storm of my life.

At the close of this year, I can only imagine what lies ahead of me. I learned from last year, that I shouldn't make predictions. I hope to make a trip to Florida to see some folks there. I hope to go back to Philly Folk Fest. I hope to go to Kerrville, but I don’t see that as a possibility. I am pretty sure I’ll be in Prairie Grove for Thanksgiving. A small windfall to allow me to go to Hawaii and see Jenna would be great too. Until I get employed again though, I have to stick close to home. My home. Wherever that may be.


Photo by Ruth Whitten

Soap

The resulting soap granules, which looked as if they would measure less than a gram in mass, looked like cream-colored breadcrumbs, but when rubbed between the fingers were soft and slick like soft damp soap one would have in the bath.

political feelings

First I want to say that I am pleased with the outcome of the election this year. There are many feelings swirling around regarding the historical momentous place we find our selves in. Having grown up in the south, not understanding why people had a problem with race, I find it pleasing to know that the south is starting to change. If John McCain had been elected, I would be in a depression that no financial bailout would have helped.

I generally don't hang my politics on my sleeve or put them on my car. I think quietly about who I think would be a good choice for the issues that I find important. I think a lot of people do that. My number one issue is the environment. If we continue to run our environment into the ground, changing it into something that we, as well as all the other species we live with, have not evolved to be in, we cannot continue as a species. So if we do not have a supportive environment that is conducive to our continuation as a species, it does not matter if we can afford to buy a house, or if we have health care. No amount of health care is going to be able to compete with our own quick and drastic change of our environment. Our physiological systems of homeostasis have evolved to live in the world we are rapidly losing. Evolution just does not happen that fast.

I found it disheartening that most of the candidates did not talk about the environment in the initial outburst of campaigning. I say most, but not all. Dennis Kucinich spoke about the environment. Ralph Nader spoke about the environment. But did we hear media coverage of anyone speaking on the environment? I did not. I did not even know Ralph Nader was running for president until about a month and a half before the election.

I know Ralph Nader is a risky person to put on TV. He is something of an edge dancing liberal. Even some of my liberal friends do not take him seriously. However, how much time has the media given him to tell us what his plans are? How do we know what his ideas for our future would be if the media does not show the public any of his speeches? I am not saying he would have been a better choice. What I am trying to convey is that we did not have the opportunity to even hear what he had to say. He and the other candidates for president that were not in the two major parties were not invited to debate the major candidates. I find that appalling.

It makes me wonder about payola in the media. Do the candidates from the major parties pay off the major news networks to cover them? If the smaller grassroots candidates had more money, they could give payola too. Would that put them in the debates? I really hope that the future holds more debate by more candidates.

I hope that our future is looking better. I feel a sense that good change is coming. I pray that Mr. Obama doesn't give in to the political pressures and turn from the everyman president into the everyday politician. I pray he and his family stay safe.

where is HOME?

On my way home from Philly Folk Fest, where I was fawned over a bit too much, I got to thinking about HOME. Where is HOME? I have a place to live, so for now that is home. But I don't feel HOME. I am not settled. There are too many things to do and a lot of nervous energy around me, most of which is in me.

I often speak or write about my life as a journey. Each large episode seems to be a leg of the whole journey. But lately this leaves me feeling like I cannot settle down and find a PLACE to BE.

Mike had expressed his appreciation to me for helping him feel like he was HOME after many years of being on his own and only having places to put his stuff and lay his head. It left me feeling unsure of my role in his feeling, but I excepted how he felt as good.

There is a part of me that wonders if I find that place of HOME if I will be near to the end of my life, like Mike was (unknowingly) when he found HOME. I know it is silly to even think about it in terms like that, but there is a swirling question of what the hell it all means. I yearn for calm and mellowness and comfort. I try to find it even while I journey.

My mother's illness progresses slowly. She is finding quality of life where she can. And she is Home.

whirlwind

so it's been a whirlwind for the last few weeks, and I just have to procrastinate on the things I should be doing (studying) and put down right here the recent goings on.
quickly:
I packed a truck with most of my stuff on Monday June 23.
I pack the rest of my things into a trailer on Tuesday June 24, leaving behind a few things because I couldn't fit them. A further dissertation on my emotional place at that point will be left for another writing.
I drove to NC, my home state and home town of Winston-Salem, arriving in the morning of Wednesday June 25. That day I returned the trailer, checked in at UNCG, bought my books, found out where my classes were. Slept.
Thursday June 26 was the first day of class. Microbiology lecture and lab.
Friday through Sunday I had off. I tried to rest as much as possible, but had to study too. It was Mom's birthday on Sunday. I gave her the gift of cleaning her living room, including the windows, and accumulated mold. uck.
Monday back to school. Four and a half hours a day.
Tuesday the truck arrived and mom wrangled some hands to help put things in the new place. (after school)
Wednesday I had my first test in Lecture. I got an A, but barely.
Wednesday class, and some poking around the new place.
Thursday was the first night in the new place. After class I went to BB&B to get some necessaries. Pi and I enjoyed our new place. Friend Meg came by and hung out, helped me figure out some kitchen details.
The DSL and phone was supposed to be up Thursday, but it didn't work. And by the time I found that out it was too late to call, and the next day was independence day. Ugh. I called Saturday, but they were out for the holiday weekend.
Monday morning I called at&t to be told that on their end everything was fine. The landlord told me the lines had been ripped out when they took out the old carpet. He didn't put them back in since everyone is using cell phones these days. Hmmm. Mom is not going to want to call me long distance on my cell phone when I live across town...
I have my first "Unknown" in lab later Monday (that is today) Luckily I got an easy one and got done early. I have a test in lab and a test in lecture tomorrow. There's a lot of information on line for these tests. good study opportunities, chat rooms, etc. I NEED MY HIGH SPEED INTERNET!!! Friend meg offered her place and gave me a key after a mild fiasco of her locking herslef out of her house whilst in her jammies. I arrived shortly afterwards, took her to get a spare from a friend who works at whole foods where I ran into an acting teacher from my youth. Re-connections already starting!
I stopped in at my mom's to pick up some stuff and was confronted with a letter from my former landlord who itemized every thing that was wrong with the place I just left, including a whole bunch of stuff that the prior tenant did. He took some money out of the deposit. I was ok with that. It was the itemized list that burned me.
So I went back to my place, fuming. Got on the floor to play with the cat a bit, when I spied the cut phone line at the baseboard of the kitchen.
My McGiver skills went into action. I got my wire cutters and spliced a wall jack into the loose wire.
And here I am writing this down. Now, I really should go and study viral anatomy and synthesis.
CIAO YA'LL!

Just in time?

Every once in a while I think to myself, "What the hell am I doing changing careers and leaving audio?" Today I read about the CADAC console's manufacturing company going into administration. In this bad global economy, when even the best manufacturers are having problems staying open, I suppose I am leaving just in time.
If the company does sell, I hope it doesn't go the way of so many other companies and lose the quality of the product. CADAC is known for high quality, both aurally and engineering wise. As heavy as a bus, but worth it to so many people in the business of audio.

one thing after another

Life has been full to say the least. Everyday for the past few months have been busy, and even sometimes stressful.

At the end of March, Jenna had her senior project, which was a concert with a band. It happened that the concert fell in my Spring Break, which was good, because I did a lot of work for her. Along with the concert she also recorded her new demo. She and I did a photo shoot and I designed the artwork for the demo cover. The concert itself involved a fairly stressful day. The recital hall at her school supposedly was capable of doing what we wanted to do, but they had never done a concert as technically involved as hers. She had a drummer, a bassist, a lead guitar, a piano, and even back up vocalists. Three monitor mixes would have been ideal, but some of the wiring was not working as it was labeled, so we had to go with two. Set up took longer than wanted, so the sound check got shorter. Over all we were ready when performance time came. The recording of the show was only dealt with on the fly, so the first couple of songs have some overdriving distortion issues. But, again, overall it sounds good. Everyone was impressed with how well she sang and played. She even played the piano and sang at the same time, which even I had never seen her do. She was great! Mike would have been beaming with pride.


You can hear these tracks on her myspace page.

While I was available for work in my last week of spring break, I did not get any work, so I had the opportunity to chill out. I did not do much of anything. It was just fine. :) Meanwhile, Jenna's wedding plans continued. Everyday there was something else happening, someone else whining they wanted to be invited. Wedding planning does not help keep the stress low.

I have gotten some work, though as of a few weeks ago, I am no longer on the work list. Between school and the increased social calendar prior to my moving away, I felt it would be better to not have to say "no" to work all of the time. School is very demanding this term. In my Psychology class there is a lot of reading, and papers due every week.

I had the opportunity to support my brothers and sisters of IATSE Local 500 and walked a picket line around the Kravis Centre for Performing Arts. I even made it into the paper! This was the first time I have ever walked a picket line. I may not be an uber-union person. Being born on the cusp often leads me to seeing both sides of an issue equally. But, I don't feel that it is fair that my friends were locked out of a theatre that they made work as smoothly as it does. They were cut out of tens of thousands of dollars worth of work a year. Some of them are really struggling financially. It was an honor to walk beside them.


Barry, Rubin, and Me, brothers and sister, in front of the Kravis Center (Daily News Photo by Jeffrey Langlois)

May 3rd Jenna graduated!! After five years, she finally got to walk across the stage. Of course, after a few years of manipulating the system of a new program at the school, it is no wonder that she wasn't listed to graduate! The stress of the last few months had been compounded by last minute requirements of her to conform to the (new)requirements of the new program; these requirements that had been waived for her major, but the dean had forgotten about. So, it was not surprising when Jenna's name was not listed in the program for graduation. The dean did announce her and she was one of two music students who graduated with honors!


Jenna with her friend and co-worker Nell.

We followed graduation with a party the next day to say goodbye to our South Florida friends. Jenna is of course getting married, and then she is moving to Hawaii for two years. I am moving back to North Carolina to spend some time with my Mom. She is doing good now, and I want to be able to help her when she needs it. The party was a nice and mellow time. People brought lots of yummy food and Jenna and her friend Matt played music. I am sorry more people did not make it, but there is a time to let go of those friendships built on Mike's illness and death. I suppose that is now.


Jenna and Matt in the backyard.

After Jenna's graduation, she started packing. Turning the house upside down, she collected her things, made decisions about what to keep and what not to keep, what was going into storage and what was going to Hawaii. We had daily discussions about what to do with Mike's things. This brought an edge of depression into my life. Now that I have experienced how it feels to be depressed, I can see it coming. I know that it will take a while to get adjusted to the fact the Jenna and I no longer live together. There is a further realization that Mike is gone and is not coming back.

It was really hard to say goodbye to Jenna when she left on May 13. I knew it would be hard. Shopping for a card for her brought tears to my eyes.

So now I live alone again. It's been five years since that has been the case. Tears flow regularly as I sift through Mike's belongings and as I realize that I will have to say good bye to a lot of really cool people here.

I try to see the positive though. I am going back HOME. That means a lot. Winston-Salem is a comforting place both physically and spiritually. It will be great to be near the mountains so I can go hiking. It will be great to live in the same town as Mom and to spend some quality time with her.

a video I found on line

I found this video on line while searching facebook connections to Trout Fishing in America.  It's pretty weird.  I wonder if Keith and Ezra have seen it yet.

2 Years

Well, it may be getting easier to listen to Mike's music, but that doesn't mean I miss him any less. Everyday I miss him. Today marks the second anniversary of his passing. Jenna and I celebrated his life by having a cup of coffee at Starbucks downtown. We also put some flowers on the bike racks. I hope Mike's friends found a way to honor his memory today, even if by a small token of friendship to someone else. I also hope they find comfort in their memories of him.

It's getting easier

Today I managed to listen to five songs recorded by Mike before crying. It's the first time I've tried to listen to him in a long time. I guess it's getting easier.

Did you catch that?

Thanks to Rapahel Clemente for showing me this.
Share the road.

Latoya

Last night it was revealed to me that a class mate of mine has found herself homeless.  Her family doesn't want anything to do with her going to school to be educated, so she can't stay at home anymore.

She could not find any shelters who would take her in because she has not been abused, she has no children, she is not pregnant and she has a job. She is a barista at Starbucks.

Now, I had just given a speech in class.  I had concluded my speech with the point, "If I can help you, I will.  I won't lie to avoid you.  I'll tell you like it is and try not to hurt your feelings in the process."

As I listened to Latoya I felt a tug on my heart, a divine spark, that said it was time to step up and do what I said I would do.  Here was an opportunity to help someone.  I asked her to give me her number, and told her I would consult with my niece to see if she could stay with us for a week or so.

Jenna and I agreed to help her out and made room for her to stay on our couch.

Latoya just called me to let me know that her assistant manager has paid for a hotel room for her to stay in for a week until a grant from Starbucks Corporation comes for her next week.  I am reminded that that sort of action by an individual is one of the positive attributes that they try to train into partners at Starbucks.  People are the priority at Starbucks, and this assistant manager has proven her devotion to one of her partners in a  way I would not expect.  Kudos to her!

I think the divine spark I felt last night has sent some actions in motion.  I hope it continues positively for Latoya.  And I can't help thinking my brother Mike has something to do with this.

 

Patriotism

Yesterday I saw a man outside the Publix supermarket waving an American flag. Not something you see a lot unless it's the Fourth of July. He had a box of "car flags" that he was selling.
Seeing it reminded me of the period of time right after September 11, 2001, when everyone, it seemed, had American flags on their cars. Sometimes there would be two or more.
One day I found one of those flags in the street. It had fallen off the car and gotten run over countless times. But you could still read on the edge of the flag, "MADE IN CHINA."

The Commuters

Every day,
Around the same time of day,
Twice a day,
I hear them.
They come streaming down the street in their Subaru,
Their Doppler voices trailing behind them.
Dogs.
Barking dogs.
Two or three of them, heads hanging out the windows, barking.
I can almost set my watch by them.

Image from:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doppler_effect

Bold Brave Move

On Christmas Day I visited a place I hadn't stepped foot in since March 6, 2006. Good Samaritan Hospital. I brought cookies to the nursing staff of what's known as "4 South," the oncology unit. Mike spent three months there. I was there almost every day he was there. I got to know the staff pretty well.
This was something I had been meaning to do for over a year. I was afraid to go back there. I was afraid to feel the feelings I knew would bubble up. Afraid to face those wonderful people I had waited so long to thank. I never forgot them, though. They cared for Mike. They fought over him. He was a special person even to those who know that people with cancer are special, and deal with them every day.
When I left the hospital and got to my car, I cried like Mike had just died. I couldn't stop it. There are so many times I have wept. But this was stronger than had been felt in a very long time.
It's weird. I have found myself comforting other people so many times, yet haven't had anyone with me when the tears really let loose. Who ever is with me on that day better be ok with it. It'll overwhelm them.

Mike and me on 4 South
(Photo by staff photographer Florida Sun-Sentinal)