Above all, Practice Being Loyal to Your Soul

“Above all, practice being loyal to your soul.” This is a meme that came floating across my Facebook timeline today.  It has a great message, but what if being loyal to your soul is in conflict with someone else being loyal to theirs?  It is not obvious, because there is so much focus in being loyal to one’s own soul and the idea of what is right and perfect in the here and now is subjective and you cannot see where the conflict lies.  But if there is conflict in the relationship, it will not work.  There lies the heaviness.  You get all psyched that this other person might just be “the one,” or at least a good distraction until “the one” shows up. Then as you are listening to your soul, they are listening to theirs and the whole thing comes apart when they reach a different conclusion about the whole thing.

He had said, from the beginning, that he was not ready, so I am not surprised to be disconnected, even after a couple of months of groovy mixed signals and pleasant lunches.  Even though I knew it wouldn’t be what I wanted it to be, I am sure somewhere I hoped some magical process would change it. 

I wish I could be the calm, Zen, be here now, understanding person all the time.  I hate being the emotional, reactionary girl I can be when it comes to matters of the heart.  But after a good cry I have come to the conclusion that he is only being true to his own soul and following up on what he needs to grow and heal.  This is very important and I do not deny it is a good thing.  In being true to his own soul he has ultimately enabled me to be true to my own.  I had spent some time finding ways to justify being physical without exclusivity and commitment.  In some ways I am glad I considered that possibility. It helped me understand how other people work and made physical intimacy less serious, which in turn can only help me make it better, more fun, when I have it.

But here is the end result: I made a new friend, who I think (or at least, hope) will be in my life for some time. Also, while I still don’t get what it is the Universe is telling me, I come to this conclusion: I deserve and need someone who is ok with feeling good when he is with me, wants to be with me, and when he is with me doesn’t want to be anywhere else. That is worth waiting for.

Married Men Need Not Apply

I have never been able to figure guys out.  Whenever I have tried, I have been left frustrated.  So I gave up trying and just try to let them be themselves and be thankful for what good things come of being friends with them. And there are many good things about being friends with men.  I like the camaraderie.  I enjoy technical shoptalk, I enjoy talking about music, I enjoy beer.  I enjoy a lot of things that are stereotypically male-ish. I am not a girly-girl and feel that some of my best friends are men.

However, I seem to have collected a group of married men who think I am the best thing since sliced bread…. besides their wives. I don't understand what brings me that kind of energy. I don't play those games and don't want to be told by a married man that if they could be with me they would.  I want to ask them why they are compelled to share this with me, but I just clam up and shut down. Do they think it will make me feel better about my singleness? Do I look that lonely?

I continue to be friends with these men. I feel we are drawn together for a greater purpose, not related to sexual tension but something else.  Some of these men have been there for me at the times when I was being hardest hit by loss and aguish.  I cannot forget the support they gave me.  I don’t think that my being vulnerable to someone, showing my feelings and hurt, should open up dialogue that could lead to huge mistakes. I have been on the other side. I have been the woman on the other side of a man who is confused about our relationship and is searching for who knows what to distract or relieve.  It’s not a great position to be in. I feel for those wives.  I don’t want to stir up any shit, but I feel for them.

I don't want to give up on these friendships, but when the men made those confessions it made our relationships so much more complicated than they should be or need to be. I get mad and don't want to talk to them. I don't want to laugh with them anymore. Sexual tension, something I could handle and dismiss becomes an emotional tension I just can't handle and don’t want to handle.

Some of these situations have been settled by now.  I have had conversation after conversation. But after a while, I have gotten tired of dealing with it and refuse to talk about it anymore. So, help me out here guys, if you are married, don’t open that door.  DO NOT GO THERE.  If you haven’t heard from me in a while, just think back on our last conversation.  Did you fuck it up? Did you go there?

I don’t understand why I get this attention and I have failed in trying to find meaning in it.  So after long consideration, when it comes to my love life: Married Men Need Not Apply.