HAPPY HOLIDAYS

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season.
Peace.

Reflections on 2007

At the end of the year I look back and see how things have changed. Jenna is growing into a beautiful woman; stretching her legs into her new life: soon to be graduated, wedded, and starting a family of her own. I have gone back to school on a journey to change careers and bring something positive out of the fear and sadness I experienced with losing Mike. So far I like it. The coming year will find me immersed in my studies, embarking on a life on my own again, and continuing friendships here in West Palm Beach.

In 2007:
I started to Blog in earnest.

I finally sold the Cadillac, which led to feelings of relief and sadness.

I found a long lost friend to discover she was just being diagnosed with Cancer. After a lot of chemo and radiation she is doing well now.

A plaque was added to the bicycle rack memorial to Mike. It’s a sweet place to see, when it’s full with a variety of bikes.

I folded Upon The Hill Records with relief and sadness.

I felt the firm grip of love’s hand guiding me.

My mom’s journey with cancer has had its moments of fear and hope; as she went into surgery (that was possibly to take her life, though might have given her longer life) then came out, after exploratory surgery said it couldn’t be done. She has decided to just let it be and enjoy life for as long as she can.

I opened my heart up to the possibility of a loving one-on-one relationship, but it was not to be this time.

I laughed hard and joyously with newfound friends Landa and JC.

I marked the 25-year anniversary of Kate’s death by writing briefly in my blog about it.

I came to terms with the real possibility that I won’t be having children. I am still not sure how I feel about that, but it’s ok for now.

I traveled a bunch in the summer time: To Texas, North Carolina, California, and Pennsylvania. I hiked in all of these wonderful places.

I learned to spin Poi, and spun on the top of a mountain in Big Sur, California after a long hike up with my cousin Sarah.

My mom got really sick with an infection, which let me know I am not ready to lose her just yet.

I had a cancer scare of my own. It was Benign.

I went back to school.

I saw my friend Meg get married. I feel no pressure to get married myself.

I took Sociology and Medical Terminology in the summer and got As in both.

I took Anatomy and Physiology, Public Speaking, Psychology and Algebra in the fall. I am presently waiting on my grades, but I did well in all. ☺(I finally got my grades: Straight "A"s! Whoo Hoo!)

Friends lost Annie, the sweetest dog and Tinkerbell, the lovely big-hearted BIG dog; both will be missed.

I decided to spend the holidays in West Palm Beach so I can relax a bit, maybe work some, and walk on the beach. I will be home alone, but full of love.

May you find this season full of light and love.


The view at the top of a hike at Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park, Big Sur, CA

Happy Birthday Mike

Today is Veteran's Day as well as Mike's birthday. Both are reasons to pause a moment and think. I miss you, Mike.


Mike and the Sneetch: Two friends in Heaven

Purge

So, today I am working on this three day long revival for the Haitian Catholic Church, part of the Archdiocese of Miami. This program is entirely in Creole, so I am lucky if I have a clue what's going on. While waiting for the third part of today's event to start, I had some time, so I started to purge my cell phone of no longer needed contacts.

Most of these were stagehands, that I maybe I had worked with in the past, but don't keep in touch with. Some were old theatre contacts. I even purged some directors out of the phone. No need to call them really, since I am not doing design any more.

I came across a few names that belonged to people who are now deceased. That gave me pause. I purged a couple of them, but kept a couple too, including "Brother Mike." It used to say "ICE Brother Mike" because he was my emergency contact. But after he died I figured it would be pointless for emergency personnel to call him if I was in an accident.

I had to smile a few times as I purged three numbers from my phone. All of these three are still living, but it gave me some pleasure, even enough to giggle a little, to get rid of them. Can you guess who? There are some people who may read this that might know who they all are. I am going to make this a game now. If you can guess all three, I'll figure out something really cool to give you. My guess is that there are some of you who will guess at least one. :)


ICE Brother Mike (He was goofy, but you could rely on him.)

My friend Bill

Whenever Mike would see him, he'd say, "Hey, there's my friend, Bill!" Mike would go over and shake his hand and ask him how he was doing. Bill was homeless; one of the familiar faces of downtown West Palm Beach. Mike enjoyed talking to those folks, but especially to Bill.

Shortly after Mike died I ran into Bill at Clematis by Night, the weekly concert series downtown. I approached him and asked if he had eaten that day, then bought him dinner. I mentioned Mike. At that time he realized who I was, and started crying. Bill loved my brother, I could tell. He was sad that Mike would no longer ride up to him on his bike and shake his hand.

Fast forward a year. I ran into Bill at Publix in City Place recently. I was having lunch on the veranda, a common location for watching traffic. He came out of the store and looked for a place to sit. I invited him to my table. I was very glad I did. Bill told me he had a job and a nice little trailer to live in. Things look like they are doing ok for Bill. It was light in my heart to hear about how well things were going , and to speak with him. I felt that Mike may have had just a little influence on Bill's life since he left us. I hope it continues to go well with Bill. And I like to think Bill is my friend too.

Another one lost

Tinkerbell. A huge dog with huge heart. The Idlet's place won't be the same without her.

Rest in Peace

Annie Clemente, the sweetest dog ever, has passed from this Earth. I will miss her.

Benign

The last few weeks have been tense. Not only have I gone back to school for the first time since 1990, have two classes in a five week period of time that usually take up a ten week period of time, and have lots of homework and studying, I got a report from my last mammogram that they saw an abnormality that I needed to have checked out. I wasn't so surprised at the report, because I could see the spot in the digital image as I had the scan done. But having a report tell you something is not right will put you in panic mode if you aren't careful. I went there briefly, believe me. After a visit to a specialist, it was determined that I should have a cyst drained. Then another mammogram would be taken to see if the calcification was still there, or if it was in the cystal fluids. Well, my surgeon took a biopsy sample just in case, (by the way, we're already here, so why not?). The second mammogram showed no calcifcations and I was sent on my way to WAIT for the biopsy results. Today I was told everything is fine. Huge relief.

How I spent my Summer Vacation

It seems like I haven’t been home much at all this summer. And my feline, Pi, is more than eager to point out that I haven’t been home. I wouldn’t be surprised if he packed his bags and moved down the street to Ruth’s house. Ruth has been taking care of him while I’ve been away. I don’t know what I would have done without her.


Pi

I don’t usually travel that much in the summer (besides last year's walk about), but this summer I felt a real push to get out and see people. Each destination had necessary experiences to reveal, and people to connect with.

The summer started with Memorial Day weekend, as I drove a rental mini-van with poor fuel economy to Texas to attend the Kerrville Folk Festival. I put a blog entry in a while ago about that trip. The important features of that trip were to see my Thanksgiving crew after missing the Thanksgiving festivities in Arkansas last year, and to introduce Jenna to the singer songwriter world that I believe she has a future in. I enjoyed watching her immerse herself in the music and community. I was pleased to find that she had a great time.

After the Texas trip I stayed home for a few weeks. Jenna went off to spend the summer in New Hampshire, to get to know her fiancé a bit better. After she left I started on the project of cleaning out the room that we want to be a studio. I got really far before I ran out of steam. It’s been difficult, to say the least, to sort through Mike’s things and make hard decisions about throwing things out or even just giving them away. There is an urge to hang on to anything that Mike has touched or worn. It’s as if there is still part of him in those things. The reality is that I have enough of my own stuff, and most of the stuff we are sorting through is just stuff, nothing really personal, though because Mike had an interest it, it holds power. I am still not close to the end of that project, though close to being able to do yoga in that room. I still have to sell a bunch of equipment on Ebay and find a bookcase for the books I want to keep. I can’t wait for the new Ikea store to open in Sunrise, so I can get a bookcase that matches the others I have. I also had the pleasure of going to the Rapids water park in West Palm with some of my Opera friends. We had a great time cooling off in the water, and followed it with dinner at my house and a surprise birthday cake for Aniela. What fun!


Aniela's Birthday!

At the end of June, I went to North Carolina to throw a small birthday party for my Mom. She turned 73 on the 29th. Normally she doesn’t exactly like to celebrate her birthday, but we all felt thankful that she was still here to celebrate. It was a low key event with close friends, good food and plenty of laughter. (I guess I was too busy cooking and having fun to take any pictures. Oh well.)

I made that short trip to NC even more special by connecting with my friends Allison and John in Charlotte and my friends Erik and Allen in Asheville. Allison and I have been friends since first grade, John and I have known each other for over 20 years, and Erik and I went to college together, so we’ve known each other a long time too. I have known Allen since I was 14. That was a long time ago! Allison and I shared a lot in that last visit, though it was only an overnight stay for me. There is an easiness we have together, that can only come from knowing each other from a very young age. We are absolutely accepting of one another. Of course we have managed to keep pretty much similar political, social, and religious views, so that helps! John and I had breakfast together. It was short, but sweet. I always feel comfortable with John. After I saw my mom I drove to Asheville and went hiking on Mount Mitchell with Erik. Another great friend, Erik is always an easy person to hang out with. And he didn’t make me feel like I was totally out of shape on the mountain. 6000 feet is difficult to breathe at if you live at sea level! Allen and I had breakfast before I left to go back to Florida. Allen is such a sweet soul. (I didn't get a pic though)


Smoky Mountains, NC


Allison and Me (2006) Photo by Dan Bennett


Erik and Me (E & E)


John Slechta (Photo by John?)

I got home from North Carolina on July 2nd. I stayed in Florida for a few days, worked the July 4th Celebration at FAU in Boca Raton, and then left for California on July 6th.

I had two weeks in California. I stayed with the Goods in Willits for a week. Keena was my roommate in college. I lost her for a few years, but since I found her again I won't let go. We were like two peas in a pod in school, and it's almost like we never left when we get back together. She lives with her folks, Bill and Emmy, two very special people, on a mountaintop with a beautiful view. I spent a lot of time walking around their property, playing with the dogs and reading out on the deck. We took a day trip with the dogs (Jaxon and Josie) to Mendocino to see the arboretum there and we had lunch downtown. I took a day trip up to Eureka to see Dave Carter. Unfortunately his wife, my friend Beth, and their three kids were in Pennsylvania at the time. I officiated their wedding. I miss them lots. It was good to hang out with Dave though. We had a good dinner and then saw the movie “Sicko.” On my way to Eureka and on my way back, I drove along the Avenue of the Giants. It is a road that generally parallels 101 along the Eel River. There are many groves of Old Growth Coastal Redwoods there. They are beautiful and inspiring places.


Bill, Myself, Keena (she's gonna kick my butt for this) and Emmy


Jaxon and Josie


Carter and Me


Visiting the big ass trees on the Avenue of the Giants

The day I was to leave Willits, I learned my mother landed in the hospital with a bad infection. I spoke to her on the phone and realized that even though I thought I had prepared myself for her inevitable demise, I was not ready at all. I had a bit of a panic attack. I got my senses together after I called on Meg to check Mom out at the hospital. She told me Mom would be ok, so I did not change my flight plans and go to North Carolina. I continued south to San Francisco to see Maria and Celeste.

Maria, Celeste and I went to art school in high school together. I had not seen them since 1990 and 1986, respectively. Maria is battling Hodgkin’s Lymphoma right now. She is doing really well after completing a shortened regimen of chemo. She is undergoing radiation now. It was so good to see them both and to see how we haven’t changed all that much. Older and wiser maybe…. San Francisco was cool. Well, cold actually. I had not spent much time there at all before, and Maria gave me a good walking tour. Maria shaved her head while I was there. Her hair had been falling out a lot and was really thin. It made her sad to do it, but she’s sporting it pretty well. I was relieved to find her so healthy. Mike was never that healthy after he was diagnosed. But his illness was very different.


Celeste, Myself, Maria in a snazzy wig that looks a lot like her real hair


Would you believe she's being treated for cancer?

I left San Fran to see my cousin Sarah on the Monterey Peninsula via a hike at Muir Woods. Sarah had to work a lot while I was there, but that left me to wander around the area and take in the amazing beauty there. I drove up to Santa Cruz, took pictures along the coast, vegged in Sarah’s hillside home, went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium, and vegged. (Did I say I vegged?) It was nice. In the evenings Sarah and I did dinner, sometimes with her beau, Bob. We stayed up late and talked a lot. It was good, though I felt sort of bad since I didn’t really have to get up and go do something productive the next day. Sarah took the day off one day and we went on a 4-hour hike at Julia Pheiffer Burns State Park in Big Sur. At the top of the mountain, overlooking the top of the fog, I spun Poi. It seemed like the thing to do.


At peace in Muir Woods


Muir Woods


Sarah and Myself atop Big Sur


Poi above the clouds, Big Sur, CA (Photo by Sarah Joplin)

On July 20 I flew home, enduring a frustrating airline issue of a late, then mechanically damaged plane. Eventually we got off the ground in Atlanta four hours late. I got home at three in the morning.

My Uncle Paul was waiting at my house when I got home. He was there to pick up Mike's tools, which he had purchased to help Jenna live here in West Palm and stay in school. We had to get a flat bed tow truck to haul the tools up and then slide the tools into the rental truck. It was a bit challenging, but we managed to get it all done in about an hour or so, dodging rain drops as it stormed around us. We rewarded ourselves with cuban food for dinner that night. Yummy!

Five days later I was in Philadelphia. I went there primarily to do some spirit and energy work with a Shaman I know there. I brought along my friend JC and showed him the city. JC and I met working at the Florida Grand Opera last season. He has turned out to be a good friend, and he is very special to me. He had never been to Philadelphia, but had seen it on TV with coverage of the US Pro Championship bike race there. I showed him the route the cyclists take, driving up most of the “Manayunk Wall.” There was construction on the street, so we couldn’t continue all the way up. We walked through the woods in Wissahickon Park, did the “Rocky Thing” at the Art Museum, saw a lot of my friends, went to the Mutter Museum, checked out South Street and ate Cheese Steaks. He’s not convinced that he can’t get a decent cheese steak in Florida. I guess it takes time to become a snob about cheese steaks. I spent 13 years in Philly, and I don't think you can get a decent cheese steak in Florida, unless you order it without the bread. We stayed with my friend Mitzie, who was a gracious and generous hostess.


JC and Myself in Chinatown, Philly



Mitzie, JC and Myself along the Skuylkill River

Now I find myself at home again. Aaaahhhhh. Laundry is done, the cat is fed, the weather is hot and my bed is comfortable. It has been a long, strange summer full of good times and community. I am slowly working out the grief like a massage therapist works out the knots in my back, with care and caution. I take time to breathe. I just registered for my first classes in my pursuit of a new career: Nursing. Classes start next week. I have to figure out how to balance work and school. If they don’t balance, school will have to take precedence.

I now embark on a new adventure. The last couple of years have been leading me up to this. Wish me luck!

P.S. I just heard from Maria last night. (8-3-07) She said her radiation is done and treatment is over! Yay for Maria! She is a brave woman and has weathered this storm with grace. Blessings to her.

The Learning Curve of Gratitude

I just heard Mary Chapin Carpenter's "This I Believe" essay on NPR.ORG. I sort of hate it when people who have better writing skills say it better than me, but her essay is beautifully written and spoken by her. I understand what she means when she speaks of "The Learning Curve of Gratitude." That learning curve can be experienced by those bearing witness to the struggles of their loved ones. I am still on the curve, not quite at ease with excepting the graciousness, kindness and help from other people. I AM learning though.



Some of the 200 plus riders that rallied for Mike January 29, 2006
(Photo taken by Jenna Tague)

Kerrville Folk Festival 2007

I just got back from the Kerrville Folk Festival. I had a great time. I saw many friends I usually see at Thanksgiving, but missed since I didn't go last year. I caught up with Chris Chandler who I went to college with, who was performing at the festival. Other highlights included: hanging out with Keith Grimwood for more than a few minutes after a Trout show; starting to learn how to spin Poi; hearing for the first time Kenny White and Jonathan Byrd; hearing Terri Hendrix again; drinking Fat Tire ale and getting some free swag from the New Belgium Brewing Company including a cool tire patch kit for my bike; watching Jenna play music with Ezra Idlet and Keith Grimwood.
Only one negative aspect this year: a bad rash that itched like mother f*cker.



The Asparagus back at home at Camp Asparagus, hanging out with Buddah and a Fat Tire



Jenna playing at a rest stop in the Hill Country of Texas



Chris Chandler at Threadgill Theatre, KFF 2007



Keith Grimwood and Chris Chandler at Camp Apsaragus



Down by the Medina River, Texas



Josh Sherman spinning Fire Poi



Fire Hoop spinning at a Poi exhibition, KFF 2007



Josh Cabrerra spinning at the exhibition, KFF 2007



A very friendly kitty visited Camp Asparagus



Terri Hendrix and company, KFF 2007


Jenna with Terri Hendrix



Trout Fishing in America with bubbles, KFF 2007
(It was a storm, not the banjo, that chased away the audience shortly after this picture was taken!)


Jenna and Myself in the crowd to see Trout



Sandy found a scorpion in her tent!


P.S. I forgot one of my biggest highlights of Kerrville!!!! (How could I?) My good friend from college, ND Ton-o-thorns, came to see Trout on Sunday, but the storm blew away the show. We met in SA and had dinner. Then ND gave up his bed to two Kerr-fried campers (Jenna and me) What would I have done without him?

ND Ton-o-thorns

Road map of my possible future self

Every once in a while I get a glimpse of what my life could look like in the future. That glimpse is often laid out like a map that shows possible routes I could take, but doesn’t necessarily tell me where the dead end roads are.

I reflected on my childbearing years today. They are drawing to a close fairly soon, and I hold no prospects for a father, or even for a future with children. I am considering going back to school next year, or the following. Having a baby now would make that difficult, if not impossible. I have no idea how I would do it. I could finish school in a few years, two or three maybe, then be out of time (though these days it is easier for older women to have babies.) I would want to be home for a while with a newborn, but that could curtail a new career.

Today, I lack a father for my possible future child, and that’s an important element. When people ask me if I have kids I tell them, “No, I haven’t found the right father.” I had considered having a child on my own, but thought better of it, feeling a variety of reasons, but one being that I would need help, and a child needs a father. (or father figure) Two parents are better than one. I don’t want to step too much in the subject of same sex partnerships in this entry, but I respect my friends who are parents no matter what their family situation is. In my world, I would want the father to be a present force and influence.

And what if I fall for a guy who doesn’t want kids, but I feel so connected to him that it seems to make not having a kid OK? Maybe he would already have children by another marriage and not be interested in having more. I can understand that. My brother Mike and I had talks about that. His fiancé wanted kids, and on one hand Mike was kind of interested, but on the other, he wasn’t interested in going through all of the responsibility again; supporting another kid for another 18 years.

When I think about the idea of not having children I am saddened. My life has taken me to places of immense beauty and love, as well as desperate fear and loss. I feel I may have already lost my child I never had.

The map I glimpsed today showed my possible routes without children. I am not sure I want to turn down those roads yet, though those roads may lead me to places where there is light and love, unconditional, like a child’s love, or a mother’s love for her child.


My youngest best friend Kaia

25 Years Ago

It was Thursday May 20, 1982 when my big sister drove her 1963 multicolored spray painted Volkswagon Van off to a rehearsal with the Young Salem Symphony. She never made it to rehearsal. She was crashed into by a guy who thought it was a good idea to get drunk in the afternoon and then try to drive home. The pain of that day has dulled, but I still miss Kate.

Do your family and me a favor. Dont drink and drive. And wear your seatbelt. If Kate's seatbelt had been functional, she may still be with us today, and I would be writing about something else.


Photo by Vonnie Hicks

Cracked Up

I've been working for the Florida Grand Opera for the last couple of months. While I have been there, I have been privileged to make two exceptional new friends, Juan Carlos and Landa. They have made me feel welcome and comfortable there. Today they had me laughing so much, for so long, I had to leave to cry a little. I haven't laughed like that in a very long time. What a release. I came back after my cry and kissed them both on the cheek and thanked them for being blessings in my life. I have learned not to take those beautiful connections for granted.

"your friends confine you in their worlds
one by one, a string of pearls
confused you say
this isn't me
you hover in their unity
ashamed you slowly lose your grasp
release the links, undo the clasp
the skin that drips down off the tree
or peels back slowly from your knee
erupts into your lung and heart
you laugh and laughing fall apart."
--Phish


Juan Carlos, Myself, Landa (and Aniela goofing in the back!)

Don't Postpone Joy

Don’t Postpone Joy. That’s what is on a button I found last year at Kerrville Folk Festival I have tried to take those words to heart and experience joy. I have found it in bits and pieces and lately the chunks are getting bigger. That is a blessing I praise and count daily. I have been experiencing new friendship and lovely energy from members of the opposite sex. (that’s been typically frustrating, but fun at the same time, and since I have been so overwhelmed by grief and anxiety for the last year I haven’t given myself permission to feel those kinds of joys until now) This new found joy is being over shadowed somewhat by news from Mom. She has started chemo again. The fear started to dribble in. What if she gets an infection? What if her body rejects the drugs? Is it worth the possible extra time? I remind myself that it’s out of my hands, and that my joys are important. And I suppose even more important than my grief.

Character and Cancer

"With the modern diseases (once TB, now cancer), the romantic idea that the disease expresses the character is invariably extended to assert that the character causes the disease – because it has not expressed itself. Passion moves inward, striking and blighting the deepest cellular recesses." Susan Sontag

The Firm Grip of Love's Hand

A friend was telling me of his troubles the other day and expressed a sense of the energy in his life being like cancer. Then he immediately appologized for using a cancer analogy with me. I wasn't sore at him in the least, though I am surrounded, it seems, by cancer, cancer patients and cancer survivors.

My experience with cancer has been painful. I am not the patient, or survivor. I am one of the family of the patient; in this particular case, patients. My brother died from cancer, and my mother is sick with cancer, and will not likely get better. I have friends who are treating cancer and friends who are getting regular check ups to make sure they haven't relapsed into cancer after being cancer free. Cancer affects the entire family as well as the patient. The family is at a total loss as to what to do, how to act and what support to give. After a while, things find some realm of normalcy and we get through each day, appreciating our breathing and the new day rising on our loved ones faces.

At some point I found a place where I understood unconditional love and felt it with all my being. After finding that love, I can go back to it when I miss my brother, witness the essence of love and make it through the next day without him. This gives me inspiration to try to help other families in some small way. Even by my writing this, I may help others to see that through the pain we can find a place of love and rest in our spirits.



“There is a moment in time
When the knowledge of love and the experience of love
Precariously meet to form one brilliant point of rest for the soul.
From this point every direction is the same, backwards…forwards
All indelibly marked by the peace that comes, when it is finally understood,
That nothing can shake you from the firm grip of love’s hand.”

--Margaret Becker

sleep deprived thoughts...

As I slip further into sleep deprivation, some things concerning the human condition of the heart become clearer. Or maybe it is that they become so much more confused that I have a totally different perspective and understanding of the energies that exchange between the opposite sexes. I often find myself thinking someone feels one way about me, then discover it is actually totally different. I have spent so much time in celibacy between adventures of the heart that it is hard to tell when another journey is on the way. I ponder the small signs and symbols, keeping in mind the sociological and instinctive precursors to the mating ritual: a catch and hold of the eye, a soft touch as one passes by, questions and answers that keep coming. I am afraid it could all be just one worker getting to know another, just happening to be spending more time together as the projects require, instead of the new adventure I could be looking for.

one year ago

One year ago, Mike left us for points unknown. Maybe it was heaven, maybe it was for another life, on another planet. I don't know. He crossed that bridge into the unknown; into the beloved. It feels like it was just last week, but as Jenna says we know it's been a year because we've counted the days.
Jenna left some flowers and street chalk at the bike racks this morning, leaving a written message too. Someone had thrown the flowers away by the time I got there, but they were found in the trash and replaced. Eventually they were added to.
We had a lovely gathering tonight at Trip and Jane's. People gathered to eat, drink and celebrate Mike's life with us. It is nice to know that Jenna and I still have the support of those friends of Mike's that came to help us last year. Whenever I think I don't have friends in Florida, I am reminded that Mike's friends are my friends too. And good people they are. We are blessed.